CELEBRITY ADVICE- unsolicited advice for troubled celebs.

Crowds and Camraderie and the Commander in Chief

2009-01-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

"......our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint."

Our day started at 6am as we made our way to the metro. The weather was bitterly cold. Trains were packed, lines were long as people gave up the temptation to stuff themselves onto one train and wait for the next. Then just when you thought it was over, there was more waiting to be done as lines to enter gates wrapped around several city blocks. It was the perfect recipe for a stew of cranky uncooperative people. A storm that could have easily turned tragic as the real potential of being crushed flashed in my mind. But there was none of this to be had as Americans and foreingers from all corners of the world converged upon the nations capital today to witness what is undoubtedly in my mind the greatest moment in history. People were filled with a spirit of humility and restraint that captured the spirit of what Barack Obama spoke of. Sure there was a bit of shoving but in the grand scheme of things, amidst the crowd of millions, people were kind, friendly, respectful and a joy to be around. I am glad that I braved 20 degree weather for 6 hours to see this happen. As we begin a new chapter in American history, I'd like to say I'm proud of where we are as Americans and I want to leave you with this small bit of advice.

Dear fellow Americans:

I want you to remember this day. Remember the feeling of pride and show of good will you exhibited to your fellow citizens and bottle it up for later use in trying times. If you ever doubt what you need to do, model yourself after our new leader - President Barack Obama.

2009-01-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

Season 8 of American Idol is off to a bang this year as the usual suspects humiliate themselves by allowing Randy, Paula, Simon and Ms. Johnny come lately, Cara (pronounced Care-RUH) to brutally judge them. While we as an audience of millions double up with laughter, eat popcorn and text judgemental messages to all our friends, it dawned on me that we do so at the expense of some clearly clueless individuals. I know some of the contestants are there purely for their 15 minutes of fame (see shame) however, there are the others whose crestfallen face indicates they truly thought they were star material. So, for the dearly deluded, I have the following advice.

Dear Idol Contestants:
It is painfully clear that some of you don’t have true friends because if you did, we would never have the opportunity to see you embarrass yourself on national TV. Since you can’t count on friends and family to help you, Ms. P. Solver will step in and give you some tips to help you see the err of your ways. Now, In this age of technology, there is no excuse for not following these 3 simple steps.

1. Get a video camera, cell phone, tape recorder (for you old heads) or any type of recording device and sing acapella. Then listen to yourself. Tone deafness only applies while singing, not listening. After you’ve sung your song you’ll be subjected to the same torture we Americans have to listen to when we hear you. If this doesn’t work proceed to step 2

2. Go stand on busy street corner and sing. If people start giving you any of the following looks:

chances are- you suck.

3. And finally, if you still cannot determine whether or not you can sing. Please start a prayer circle and ask anyone you know to pray for you. Maybe God will send you a sign- like a permanent case of strep throat. If you're overcome by sudden fits of coughing every time you break out in you rendition of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" take heed to the signs because God is talking to you.

I hope this three step plan will help you before you take the big step of auditioning for American Idol and embarrassing yourself and the entire family. Good luck and Godspeed.

Sincerely,

Ms. P. Solver.

Happy (Belated) New Year

2009-01-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I know we are almost two weeks into the new year, but ever since the election I have been consumed with thoughts of how to get there, who to go with, what balls to go to, restaurants to visit and how I will record this moment in history to share with my friends and family. Thanks to God, all the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place and I will be firmly planted in the blue section to watch My President (after 8 years I can finally say "my" again) be inaugurated! I want to take moment to give out some unsolicited advice to our soon to be president.

Dear President-elect Obama:

First and foremost, congratulations on a well deserved victory. I know you probably feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on your shoulders with a small dose of fear and trepidation with the monumental task of trying to rectify the mess from the past administration. Keep in mind that you can only do so much. Although the world views you as superman, rational people (which is most of us) understand that it takes an effort by not only you, but also bi-partisan efforts by the house and senate and everyday Americans like me. After the inauguration, consider the gates open and the attack dogs (cough REPUBLICANS cough...) on the loose. From this point on, everything bad will be your fault and everything good will be the fruits of the labor from the past administration. Take it all in stride, keep your head up and continue to be the man you are. We rational Americans (and even some of the irrational ones) know the real deal. The real prize is knowing your leadership will bring America back to a place of respect and power in the international community.

Lastly, know your enemies and keep close tabs on them. you are on the top of the prayer list of many people and we have you and your family prayed up until 2016, so be confident and fearless. Nothing and no-one can break the circle of love and hope we have built around you. Be sure to remain hands on with your girls, you'll never regret it, and continue to be an example of black love and maybe some of your knuckle headed brethren will take a moment of self reflection and change the err of their ways. I would say good luck to you, but you don't need luck, you have everything you need and a supportive constituency, so go forth young man and do you!

Sincerely,

Ms. P. Solver

Jesus Take the Wheel

2008-09-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. P. Solver,

I never thought I'd see the day I'd pimp my "special needs" kid and pregnant daughter out to gain sympathy votes for the republican party, but one thing I did learn from my beauty pageant days is you've gotta do whatever it takes to win. I know I, like McCain, am in over my head, but can you offer any tidbits of advice to help ensure that I don't become a laughing stock?

Sincerely,

Governor of the frozen Tundra

Sarah

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, (exasperated sigh)

So many issues, so little time.

I am hesitant to give you any advice that could potentially help you gain points against the best hope for this country- Barack Obama. But, since you obviously need someone's help, the first thing I'd advise you to do is tap Mrs. McCain on the shoulder and see if you can pull her away from her cornucopia of pills long enough to direct you to the nearest stylist so you and your hair can join the 21st century. Those wispy bangs and 80's banana clip updo is not the business. Get it together girl! Don't you know that you are on a 2 month job interview? So far you have done all the things an interviewee is told not to do. What does a V.P do? well if I was applying for the job, I'd sure as hell do my research! Honestly Sarah, you have disappointed us right out the gate. My advice to you for the future is to get serious. Your demeanor and insipid remarks do not inspire confidence in your ability to run the country.

BTW, while you're pimping out your kids, are you aware that the republican party is pimping you?

Signed,

Mrs. P. Solver.

No Experience Necessary

2008-08-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. P. Solver,

(Best read in an affected southern drawl)
Well, its like this Ms. P, I've got 162 days, 18 hours and 50 minutes left in office and I...I... I think I need a job. Now I don't expect to have a job as good as the one I have now; hell, I'll be lucky if I can get Daddy to hook me up after fucking up my latest endeavor. I think I'll stay away from anything to do with oil, baseball, and stocks. Shooooot..just to play it safe, I'd better stay out of politics too. You see what happened there! (chuckle) What do you think I should do?

Signed

George (yee haw!)

Dear Mr. President:
I only call you that out of respect for the title of the leader of the free world. Oh wait! were not free!! Thanks to you, the patriot act and all your free spending on a war I'm still unclear about, we are now the newest third world country mired in a dictatorship cloaked in the mask of democracy. I take my respect back. Fuck you, I'll refer to you as Georgie from here on out.
Sooo, Georgie if it hasn't already occurred to you, take your ass back to the ranch in Crawford, or the compound in Kennebunkport or wherever there is a sturdy rafter or beam and hang yourself. that's the best thing you can do for your country at this point. If for some reason you manage to fuck this up too, call Tricky Dick and arrange a hunting trip...Problem solved.
with love

Mrs. P. Solver

Politicos are celebs too.

2008-08-03T13:54:00.001-07:00

Dear Ms. P. Solver,

I think I'm in over my head! All I wanted to do is ride on Airforce One and hear to words Mr. President. Now I am in a dead heat campaign with a brilliant, black ,wet behind the ears senator from Illinois. I really don't want this job but I can't lose to a black guy! But if I win, I will probably keel over in the first 3 months. The stress will be too much for my aged ticker to take. What should I do?

Cordially,

John

Dear Johnny boy,

You should follow your heart, (before it stops) to the nearest porch swing and sit your ass down. Have a glass of lemonade and tell war stories to the grandkids like the other senior citizens. Retire already! Your actions are reckless and disrupting the world order. Because of you, seniors around the globe are coming out of retirement with renewed gusto thinking they can change the world. Stop now and go away before the dead rise up and start running for office.

Signed,

Ms. P. Solver

New Career?

2008-07-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. P. Solver:

I just can't seem to get it together. I'm not sure if I want to be a singer or the Janis Joplin of the 21st century. Recently I've been thinking about changing careers and becoming a chemist. You see I love chemicals . I love them so much I spend all day in my lab mixing and experimenting with them. Just the other day I tried a new experiment and the results were disastrous! I ended up in the hospital and I had to pay my publicist extra to come up with a cover story on a short deadline. What shall I do? Please don't suggest rehab because I won't go go go....

with love,

Amy.

Dearest Amy,

I won't suggest rehab for you because everyone knows you have to reach your bottom before you can be helped. Unfortunately for you Ames, it looks like you bottom will be 6 feet below the surface of the earth. Since you insist on being a crackhead, I am sending you list of drugs that don't mix. Please refer to this guide the next time you rekindle your chemical romance.

Sincerely,

Ms. P. Solver.